weaning - 1st attempt

2 days ago was my first attempt to wean off adam from breast milk.

i know u will be asking me the "WHY" questions.. well for these past few weeks my B****t hurts because adam tends to bite when he falls asleep while drinking. and by having full set of razor sharp teeth does not help either! it hurtttsssss!!!

also the fact that my milk is not that much anymore..i mean i have stop pumping while at work so the only time for direct feeding is on weekends and also when im home from work. i tried so hard to maintain but well.. i guess its time to wean off. ive been complaining to my husband saying that when i breastfeed it hurts bla bla bla.. so my parents and husband suggest to start weaning him off.

i thought it was easy..

to start off, adam is an easy baby. i mean he's not fussy. he can take formula milk, he can drink from bottles no problem. so im not worry..but i was not really prepared to face what happen 2 nights ago. my mom said that to start to wean off, i must gv adam plain water when he wakes up at night. since adam is turning 20 months this february, he only wakes up once every night for milk. so..i tried giving him plain water..

he refused the water and keep crying and crying and crying...i read some blogs it says that to wean off kena "hati kering sikit" i tried being strong but to look at adam strunggle to find me in the dark for his milk and crying sampai tersedu-sedu really breaks my heart. but i held on... try to soothe him and ask my husband to try to soothe him but adam still wont stop crying.. i think after 40 minutes i crumbled. i gave in and gave him milk..terus senyap!! but still hisap susu sambil tersedu-sedu.. so sad right??

i felt like crying..i feel like a bad mother for trying to stop him from drinking my milk. i was afraid that he would be traumatised and hate me in the morning.. i could not sleep. i hug adam the whole night praying that he would be ok..

the next morning adam woke me up with a smile and hug me and plant kisses on my cheeks. Ya Allah..rasa sangat bersalah. i came to the conclusion that maybe both of us are not ready for this process. adam needs me and hey..its clear that i need him too. a little bite here and there i could endure kot..huu i tryyyyy... 

for now i will slowly give him formula milk for his everyday consumption. he will only get his mama's milk when he wants to sleep.. so step by step la.. yesterday when i try to give him a bottle of formula milk for his nap..he drank about half of the bottle and gave me the bottle and said "tak nak, tak nak" and quickly take position for my milk..hehehe funny.

i hope that when adam turns 2 in 4 months we are both ready to try again... pray for me guys~!

1 year

comes so fast.. last month, on the 7th of June 2012, my baby boy turned 1 :) no birthday party or cake.. just a simple moment with my small family in a room at kampung gajah,perak. why kg gajah? well, i was attending my induction and on the 7th was my final exam for induction. so.. we just sing n dance together in that room and somehow my husband got a lil present for my son when we went to kg gajah town (which is not really a town! seriously xada ape2. mcD pon xada!) it was such a suprise and very sweet of him. 

it was one hell of a week, my FIL was sick and admitted to ICU, i have finals for induction, my back was killing me so bad that i actually have trouble walking. mmg parah punya sakit belakang.. i was walking very slowly with excruciating pain. i will never forget that week..

anyway, my baby boy is 1. adam is by the book which means just 1 week shy from his birthday, he started to walk. i almost had a heart attack! heheh i was so happy and speechless when he started walking.. alhamdulillah.. big boy dah! he's such a clever baby. now he can understand instructions such as "adam, go and salam tok wea(his granpa)" then he will walk wobbly to his tok wea and attempt to salam. he likes to dance and sing. favourate song now is alif ba taa.. and he can actually sing along to it.. he will sing "aaa baa taa". he love love love bathtime.. splashing water on everyone! likes to membebel with his own words.. mulut sentiasa bla blabla.. org pon layan shj. eats a lottt.. one full bowl of rice he can finish on his own but x bam bam pon. i think because he is so active. panjat sana, lompat sini..haihh..cannot leave him alone even for 1 second. ada sj project dia. changing his diapers is such a challenge. mmg rasa macam F1 crew dah. kena cepat if not terlepas! sometimes we sing for him to just rilex sementara we change his diapers n clothes, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt.. tgk mood :)

 anyway.. a lot of things and development happened during this 1 year. adam is my life.. i cant remember hows my life before him.planning a short vacation to celebrate his birthday insyaAllah..and alhamdulillah, still breastfeeding.. love to cuddle him to sleep, no feeling can beat that. mummy love u adam zuhair.. happy 1st birthday! enjoy the pictures!

 3 day old adam.. dah pandai posing

 adam @ 2months

 1 year old adam, bought him bottle air with his name on it

1 year old baby

 

 @ 1 month old

 going crazy inside the ball pit in Melaka

 bought him his very own pool.. loves bath time!

 @ 8months

 3 months

 morning everyone! happy baby~

 1st time @ the playground.. so happy. xnak balik

 kg gajah.. kesian dia..very lonely.played with ayah all day long

happy birthday sayang,.. mama n ayah love u so much!

9 months

lovin those cute feet~!

adam @ 6 months - masa ni dia demam n sakit mata. mama n ayah x tdo seminggu :)

adam with tok wea - very happy in baju melayu

adam n mama

adam & mr carrot - my attempt to make adam love his veggies hahaha

shopping spree @ mothercare

ustaz don adam

wow, its been a while since i wrote anything. caught up with life i guess hohoho..

just to share my adam's development so far.. alhamdulillah.. he is soooOOoooo active. saya ulangi sgt active! he can bergerak non stop sampai berpeluh-peluh. and masyaAllah he is such a happy baby. he laughs a lot and senang aje nak make him smile and laugh. he likes to climb in and out of stuff ie: his walker,baby crib,high chair dan sebagainya, so cannot leave him alone. nanti macam-macam project yg dia buat..he loves to give sloppy kisses kat mummy n ayah dia, he hug us tight if he is afraid, he LOVESSS bath time (even bought him a piyo piyo rubber duckie set for him to play with..tp gambar censord, xleh tunjuk!), he is curious about everything! u put one thing away, another object will catch his eyes instantly..he is soo clever.. he started to call me mama when he was about 5 months plus..i think very very soon he will start walking because he's been standing up and holding on to furnitures a lot!

he also knows how to "geleng kepala", he gives us the cheekiest grin just to melt our hearts, he loves his heinz chocolate biscotti for snacks, his favorite song now is twinkle twinkle little star -- if i sing that song he will sit down quietly for 2 minutes, then he run off again! he laughs loudly when he watch that squirrel from ice age, he loves that song from Rio the Movie...wah..so much to update~! oh, and that bruno mars song with sesame's street..lagu wajib before bedtime or to calm him down.

anywayy..he is the apple of our eyes..he makes me want to wake up each morning and work harder and be the best that i can be. he makes me think about the future and i love him soo soo much that nobody that compare can to it. i guess that me being mommy right?

mummy love u adam~!

ps: ni kes rindu anak masa kat ofis, hence this entry :P

TRY

being a full time mom,wife,daughter and also working full time is really challenging. i have to divide myself into so many selves that sometimes i wonder... can i take a break?

this morning, someone said something to me that makes me break into a thousand pieces. tears just cant stop falling after hearing those words..even now, its painful to think about. no one knows what i am going thru right this moment. taking each day at a time..thinking what tomorrow will bring. am i going to survive this? im working hard..i really do, but does anybody stop and fully understand that im going thru a really really hard phase right now. yeah, i look like im doing ok, but inside its like a thunderstorm.. i dont expect all these people to understand me..its my problem right? who will care?

but i am thankfull that Allah SWT is always beside me and my lil family. when we are going through the hardest time, HE will lend us a hand,even if its not much, but enough for us to move on bit by bit..just wait a little longer..im sure we will be ok.. Gods will.

but..to make such comments..saying out loud my faults of being a mother..subhanallah..i cannot take it. im trying my very best..i give the best of me to my son,nothing less...he is everything to me and what im working for now is for giving him the best in life and future..

whatever it is.. your words really cut me deep inside... i forgive u, but i am hurt..all i can say to you is that.. im trying my best. and if my best is not enough in your eyes, than its ok...

" when i see you standing there, wanting more from me...all i can do is TRY...."

Being "MOMMY"

Tomorrow, officially Adam Zuhair will be 2 months young. WOW~~ serious rasa sekejap :)

i remembered the first day we brought Adam home. he was soo small that i can just hold him in 1 hand. so light~~ after two days at home, adam was admitted @ DEMC for jaundice. i cried the first night adam was in the hospital. i cried at the hospital, in the car on the way back, while having dinner, trying to put myself to sleep and could'nt wait till tomorrow. it was HARD i tell u. its like losing your soul..serious. and i was determine to exclusively breastfeed him..so i diligently begin pumping daripada hospital sampai rumah. every 2 hours. i sleep only a couple of hours that day because i want to make sure that i sent enough milk for adam at the hospital. early next morning i went straight to the hospital because i missed him so much and i want to feed him. yup..@ day 5 of my pantang i spent the whole day at the hospital, feeding him every 2 hours. and pumping alternately. i want him strong and fight his jaundice! he cried the moment i step into the pediatric ward that morning..as if he sense that his mommy is here.. it was sooo sad seeing him under that blue light with his eyes closed with an eye mask. and when i left for the day..he cried again as if saying mommy dont leave me!" i rushed to him and breastfeed him one last time before going back home..the next day i was confident that adam can be discharge because yesterday his jaundice reading was getting lower. alhamdulillah..the doctor said adam is fit to go home...and my heart was complete again.

during my confinement, i was with adam 24/7. he never left my side. i just got accustomed to him being around me every hour of the day. he's getting bigger and heavier by the day. he was born weighing 2.6kg, when he had jaundice, his weight shoot down to 2.4. but after 2 weeks, @ 1 month, his weight is 3.6kg~! berkat susu ibu i tell u. he is stronger. can gerak2 his head, tengkuk dia dah keras skit.. im so proud of his development :) i can wait for his 2 months weight this tuesday~! hohoho. nak burp kan dia sebelah tangan pon dah x larat.

adam likes to wiggle a lot now. especially when his mommy trying to put on his diapers~! he will wiggle here and there and to the extent yg dia gerak ke depan and i cant tampal his diapers. he laughs and smile :) very manja..likes to be hugged.he loves to sleep on peoples cheast..especially his cik lia's. he drinks a LOT of milk and pantang nampak mummy dia terus nak milk! very clever! he also make the cutest "sad" face ever!! gerammmmm huhuu my baby is full with expressions :) adam is also quite a "celebrity" @ home because everybody wants to hold him, hug and kiss him. he is very lucky to have doating aunties, uncles and grandparents.

well, last monday i officially became a working mom :( so saddddd... i actually have to lapor diri before i deliver, but terdeliver before lapor diri. so..basically dah terlambat la. and my employer asked me to lapor diri after pantang..but i delayed until adam is 2 months. sedeyy weii tinggal anak if he is still 1 month old. he's too small and needs his mommy..so @ 2 months ni i rasa ok sikit because he is bigger and stronger now.. but its still hard.

at work, i could nt stop looking pictures of adam.. i miss him every second of the day.. i miss having him around cooing and wiggling like crazy hehehe. but i know i have to work to provide for him..xpe, bila mommy dapat gaji we will go shopping ok?! and i think somehow he understands that mommy have to work. when i come home, i will make sure that i will be the one to bathe him. and he would'nt sleep from 6pm till around 12 am.. i like to think its because he wants to spend time with his mommy hehehe.. so yeah.. thats basically the routine for this week.

also, been pumping religiously so that adam can have my milk even when im working. i am thankful that my husband, sisters and father are around to look after adam. he is such a good baby (hahahaa..puji anak sendiri) because he only cries when he wants milk or if he wants to sleep. setakat ni, he can wear any types of diapers, ive tried pureen, drypers,pet pet etc and no nappy rash yet alhamdulillah.. so yeah..so far so good..

being a mommy is the best thing that ever happen to me..i would nt trade the sleeples nights, diaper changing, cranky time etc for anything in the world :) thank u Allah :)

Post c-sect

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The day that my life changed :)

alhamdulillah..i am now a proud mommy to a beautiful cute baby boy who is now 17 days old :) i am so so happy to be a mommy and words just cannot decribe this feeling. so, this post will be about the day Adam Zuhair came into me and my husband lives. this is gonna be a long post guys!

6th June 2011

went for my routine CTG check up to see if my contractions have started. result was baby ok but still no contraction. BP also ok. but my gynea insist that i must "serah diri" tomorrow which is the 7th of June 2011 instead of the agreed induce date which is on the 9th. me and husband was quite shocked~ yela..both of us x ready yet and our minds were focused on the 9th. sooo..its quite big news. so, we went to my mom's house to tell everybody the news and went home early to get ready for the big day. the doctor asked me to come early morning so we decided to set of to the hospital after solat subuh. that night, mintak maaf dekat my husband for everything and both of us buat solat hajat and taubat..yela, you never know what would happen right? i was super duper nervous but i've set my mind that whatever happens, i will leave it to Allah because only HE can look after me now.

7th June 2011

early morning after subuh prayers, me and husband started our journey to the hospital. by around 8 o clock i was already at the hospital and register for my room etc etc. so i was asked to go straight to the labour room @ level 2. i was quite nervous and my husband held my hand all the way. i was hooked on the CTG machine again and the nurse checked whether baby dah engage belum, but the nurse said the baby baru nak turun n we will wait for the doctor. so..there i was in the labour room psyching myself up for the labour that im going to face and mulut ni never stop baca doa nabi yunus and all other surah that i know. because to to tell you the truth, i was nervous but ready! hehehe.

around 9 o clock my gynea came and check my CTG results and tekan tekan my perut. she then said the baby's head is too big and it would not engage because my pelvic bone is small. so my gynea said the best option is to go for elective c-sect. me and my husband was quite shocked~ my gynea siap suruh my husband stand in front of me and she showed him the baby's head..and my husband said "yup..the baby's head xleh engaged sayang.."

i asked my gynea whether there is any other option but the doct said thats the best option we have and if there is another option, i would surely tell u. so..i numbly said ok and the doctor said to be ready by 2 o clock and that would give ample time to tell the family. after the doctor left me and my husband were quiet for several minutes and then suddenly my mom came in the labour room. i was so relieve to see my mom and i was close to tears explaining my situation and that i have to go through elective c-sect. my mom did ask a couple of questions and what options do i have bla bla bla...i xplained to her and she said "its ok..u can get through this". during this time, my lovely siblings were already on the way to the hospital to see me before i was pushed to the OT. the nurse then put an IV on me and shave me n asked me to change into a hospital gown... it was scary im telling you. ME? the girl who is afraid of needles is going to go through a major surgery?? it was madness!! but i try to be strong for my baby and husband.. my husband held my hand the entire time. the nurse then came in about 11 o clock and said the scheduled c-sect will be at 12.30 and not 2 o clock. soooOOoo..i have less time to prep my self!

about 12 o clock my mom came in again and she said "mama maafkan semuanya..be strong" i felt like crying at that time but i must be strong. i dont want to crumble and be afraid when im pushed into the OT. then @ 12.30.. im pushed out of the labour room and was send to the OT. my husband sent me all the way until the OT but he cannot come in because of hospital procedures. i was put into a room before i was wheeled into the OT..there, mmg segala surah and i even said my syahadah because anything could happen on the operating table and my mouth x berenti baca doa nabi yunus tu..i was then asked several question by one of the OT staff etc etc (standard procedures). but i must say..the staff @ DEMC was very veryyy friendly and they actually helped in putting me at ease facing this c-sect thingy.

i was then wheeled in the OT and i can feel my heart hammering against my rib cage. im scared and nervous. i was greeted my a friendly OT staff that explained all the procedures which is i will be put on epidural..local and they will put a tube into my va jay jay for me to pee because after the operation, i am not allowed to move for 24 hours. then the bius doc came and they started the procedure. i was asked to hug a pillow while the doctor insert the drug into my spine. again..this part was scary and i must say, its the most painful part of the operation.the doctor have to do it twice because the first time x jadi..the women who xplain the procedure to me earlier was there by my side the whole time soothing me and holding my hand. alhamdulillah..i went through it..hohoho didnt realize that i was that strong!! heheh proud of myself :) after the bius kicked in..i could nt feel a thing from my tummy down. the OT staff have to push my legs up and they did the tube business etc etc. quite embaressing because there was 3 male OT staff there to doing the tube thing..sooooo.. no more secrets there!!! but all of them were really really friendly la..they asked me whether im comfortable etc etc..so i felt at ease..

they put a tirai in front of me so i could nt see whats going on with my tummy and they put me on oxigen. after the bius kicked in, i felt like vomitting and the staff's were ready just in case..but alhamdulillah..i didnt vomit. my gynea then started the procedure.. after a few minutes the anesthetist asked my gynea to stop because my blood pressure suddenly dropped very low, maybe i as super nervous kot masetu. my gynae have to stop and calm me down, she said "take deep breaths wan, you are going to see your baby!" so i tried calming down for a bit. after im stabilize, the anesthetist gave a GO and my gynea continued. during that time..i heard azan zohor from masjid shah alam since the hospital is quite near from the masjid. i focussed on that while reciting all sorts of doa...

@ approximately 1.33pm my gynea pulled out my baby...before they pulled out my baby, all 3 male staff pushed my stomach macam really really hard and i was like "what are they doing??" they push hard for about 3 times and then..i heard a voice.. "ehek..ehek.." in my mind i was like.. "is that the baby?" then the doct slapped my baby's butt and hello world!! he cried and cried so loud.. and i cried .. and whispered "my baby's here..." thats the most wonderful moment that words just cannot describe..the doct hand me the baby asking me "can you see what baby is this?" i answered "a boy..hehehe" (sempat gelak padahal masetu my tummy terbuka kottttt). the staff the clean up the baby and send the baby to my husband for him to azan..

Ya Allah.. im so grateful for the blessing you gave me.. im a mommy and im strong to have gone through a major operation!..im proud of myself.. hohoho..

i was then wheeled into the recovery room where i shivered from the after effects of the epidural. but alhamdulillah, i didnt shivered for long..sekejap je kot, then i slept because i felt so exhausted.. i woke up and realize the staff have put a heat blanket on me to keep me warm and the anesthetist was administering morphine..MORPHINE!! for me to ease the pain.hoho..like seriously. the doctor said, when i feel pain, just push this red button and it will push morphine into the IV..so.. after quite some time..im not sure how long, i was wheeled out of the recovery room and i saw my husband outside..the sight of his face..heheh nampak relief sgt.maybe he was worried because he said he waited so long for me to come out! i was brought to my room by that time i still cannot move because of the drugs. and im so xcited to meet my baby!!

then he came..and i just felt like i coulnt let this precious angel go..i want to hug him forever. i would go through all this again..if i have to :)

next post...post c-sect and the PAINNNN~!! ughh...hehehe

ok, Adam wants his milk! mommy love u adam muax muaxxx!