update~

this is blueberry about a month ago..

alhamdulillH..i am now about 3months and 1 week pregnant. i am so relieved to have passed the first trimester..i can now at least breathe a bit more calmly and not panic on every little sign that is alien or weird. hohoho..but i still get panicky sometimes. u see me cool n calm but inside, my heart is beating really fast and sometimes i get so nervous that i have to quietly calm myself..fuhh.. but alhamdulillah..praise to Allah for making everything fine and giving me this wonderful blessing.. :)

i went to the doctor on monday for my monthly checkup. the doctor says everything is ok..the baby is doing fine and i can see the heart is beating through the ultrasound. but this time, we cant really see the baby clearly..the baby keeps moving n being active..so its a good sign. i love u baby~!!

anywayyy.. the doctor checked my blood pressure and immediately says that its on the high side and ask me to refer to a physician after seeing her. but, before i go and see the physician, i must first do the routine blood test and urine test to check for diabetes. so..off i went to the lab to do my blood n urine test with my husband in tow :)

to tell u the truth, i have a "thing" with needles where i am utterly and absolutely scared of needles~!! but, i psyched myself all the way to the lab by saying to myself "lili, ur going to have a baby, so u must be strong n throw away this ridiculous fear of needles that u have ur whole life!!" hahahah it was harddddd..i was super nervous while waiting for my turn. my husband make lame jokes to make me feel relaxed, which worked in a way..hohoho.. so sweet of him tho.

well, when my turn finally came, suprisingly, i was calm n ready to be poked hohoho. the thing is, i must look at my hand while the needle is being inserted so that i can anticipate when the pain will come.. hoho. weird i know. but..i have my own way of dealing with my fears hehehe. so..there i was staring at the stringe and needle poked in my hand and the blood flowing steadily inside. then, its over~! so..not so painful at all. after taking my blood, i am asked to drink this yucky super super sweet glukose drink. a whole mugful of it..yuckkk..i nearly threw up on the lab floor~! hooho..and i was asked to come back in 2 hours to give my urine.

Then, off i went to see the physician. waited for half n hour and finally get to see the physician. the physician checked my blood pressure n eyes and hand. he explained that having high BP is dangerous for both the mother n baby. it could cause the baby being premature and many other things. so..its vital that he control and monitor my BP from the early stage. he was a bit puzzled because when he checked my BP, my BP was not so high. but he still want me to monitor my BP for 2 weeks and then come and see him again. the physician also wants me to do a blood test~!! arghh..again..have to go to the lab and the lab staff poked my other arm.. so now i have 2 plastered arms hehehe. nasib baik x payah drive..if x..lenguh jugak laa kott..~~

then, its time to pay the hospital bills for the day..tettt tettt hohoho. mahal gile..yeap..xpected since its private. buttt...mmg terkejut dgn amountnyee..agak lari jugak la budget for next month ni. nearly nearrllyyyy rm1k. nak pengsan jap. hohoho.yeap..hospital bills aint cheap~! but, i hope everything will go well and xpayah nak g amik amik darah lagi :(

my mom cakap, "tula..now u know macam mana susahnya nak mengandungkan anak ni.." hohoho baik mama..insaf. mmg susah n banyak dugaan. but insyaAllah, with my husband, my mom n dad, and my siblings, i can get through all of this. i cant wait to see u baby..we are all waiting for u :) be safe~! mama loves u~

Heartbeat

well..i am now about 11 weeks pregnant..

last week, i started to have really light brownish bleeding.. and i didnt go to the doctor right away as i googled it, they say that brown blood is just old blood and it always comes out when you're nearing the end of your 1st trimester. so..i thought nothing of it..but i was instructed by my mom to get a lot of rest which turns out that i have to lie down most of the time. so..the bleeding stops after 3 days and then on sunday it starts again. so then..i became a bit panicked. so..on early monday morning i when to see my gynea. but unfortunately she was off that day so i have to see another gynae..a male doctor hohoho.agak malu disitu.. but this doc turns out really great and gentle.

when i first came in i told him about the bleeding and all bla bla bla..so he just said, why dont we scan n see whats going on? soo..i lie down and the nurse open my pants and tarik skit underwear..the male doctor x touch me langsung...so thats good la.i started to relax and x nervous sgt...

the doctor put the cold jelly on my belly and started scanning using the thing (i seriously x tau whats it called~~ hohoho). anywayyyyy...took a long time to locate the baby..bila dah nampak..dia pusing mesin tu sana, pusing sini because he cannot find the baby's heartbeat. i was preparing for the worse i was starting to panic and want to cry... and the after searching searching..finally...we heard the baby's heartbeat... Subhanallah..its the most beautiful sound in the world. i was in total awe.. words cannot dicribe how i feel at that very moment..i was speecless and i can feel my eyelids were wet. i was totally amazed of this little "blueberry" growing inside my tummy. and that time it truly truly hit me that... i have a life growing inside me..and the heart is beating really really fast~!! ahh..it was a really touching and moving moment for me and my husband. my husband actually asked, is that the heart beat? he too was speechless....

the doctor then explained..that my tummy is a bit tebal (hohoho sorry sayang..ur mama a bit fat~! ohoho) so thats why kadang2 susah nak locate the heartbeat.. then while explaining the doctor say "haa..ur tuummy a bit tebal..see..if i press ur tummy.." then the doctor press my tummy with the scanner thing, then the baby actually gerak gerak~! arms and legs dia was like waving waving. me n my husband terus gelak~!! it was sooo sooOOOoo cuteee the way it wiggles when the doc press my tummy hehehe~~ then lap lap perut and then sit dengan doctor again. the doctor gave me some pills to stop the bleeding and ask me to come by in 2 weeks :)

so everything is ok.. my lil blueberry is fine and active..very naughty yee anak mama, wiggle wiggle like that.. i love u sooo soo much~

i hope you will grow up healthy and mama wants to see u again in two weeks ~~!! muax muax

6 months

today marks the 6th month ive been married...

and today i feel all nostalgic and remembering the day that i got married. i dug out out photo albums and wedding cd's and look through the pictures taken on that day. 6 months ago i became his and now i am carrying our child in my womb. who could ever guessed? that i'll be blessed with such miracle so early in my marriage? i am thankful of every day that i am here and everyday that we share because each day, my love for him grows stronger and stronger :)

i still remember clearly that day...5th june 2010. i woke up really early in the morning to get ready. all through the nikah ceremony i was trying so sooo very hard not to cry.trying to keep my cool. but, after 1 lafaz, i became officially his and my tears just starts rolling down my cheeks. when i salam my mom, all the tears i try to keep inside just broke loose and there i was, bawling on my wedding day hahahaha. it was quite funny after a while, when i look at my nikah pictures i looked so sad and ready to cry.. and there i was thinking that i was looking calm n cool while waiting for the lafaz. i cried non stop when i salam my mom, dad and my siblings. i just felt that.. it is very emotional for a girl to be married especially when u are very veryy close to your family. its like letting go of something that u know and love so long to go into another place that u barely know... n here i am, 6 months along doing preety good i guess.

one thing that i've learn, even after u are married, u still have the to chance to hang out with your family, macam bujang2 dulu. i am very very lucky because my husband is an understanding person and we spend more time at my family's house than our own hohoho!

when i look back at my wedding pictures i again say my thanks to HIM for giving me soo many blessing.. the ultimate gift that HE gave me is a wonderful family. it still bring me to tears when i think back at how hard they worked for my wedding.. :) i am indeed lucky..

also, HE gave me my scholarship when the time i needed it the most... soon after that he gave me the most precious thing ---- my little blueberry.

i know this year i have sooo sooo much to be thankful about..

alhamdulillah... Amin :)

My Little Blueberry

its been a while that ive known this news but i didnt feel like a was ready to share it with anyone besides my family. as for today, i am about 8weeks pregnant~!

i was a bit shocked when i got to know but i was suspecting it. my period was so late and i asked around about my condition. i asked my mom and tkah and both of them just ask me to wait until my next period is due. but hey, i was sooo sooOOoo curious that i just have to go to the pharmacy and get one of those pee on a stick thingy and read the instructions. me and my husband have classes on that day and we were rushing to Guardion to get the pregnancy test because it was nearly closing time. both of us was litterally breathless once we got to Guardian and pick up a test kit. the test said that ideally i should do the test first thing in the morning. so both of us decided to wait and do the test in the morning. i was actually tempted to do the test right away once we got home, but my husband ask me to wait till morning hohohoho.. very impatient kan saye ni?~!

anyways, i woke up very early the next morning, i think about 8? and did the test. and suprisingly it came out POSITIVE~! at first i was confuse and then the news starts to sink in bit by bit... i came out the toilet and told my husband..he was overjoyed~~

i straight away called my mom and told her the news, my mom was ecstatic and i told my dad and he was happy too :) then i told both of my little sisters, being the drama queens that they are they were jumping and screaming with joy hehehhe it was really fun telling them. then i called my big sister and told her, she was in tears... wahh terharu.. and finally i called my brother nun jauh di sri iskandar. he actually thought i was trying to main-mainkan dia~! i actually have to convince him.. he even asked my mum to double check to make sure that i was not bluffing hohoho.. boleh xxxx~~!

anyway since then my life change overnight and i started to worry about can i eat this? can i eat that? can i do this? can i do that? i was actually in the middle of my exams and i decided to wait after my exams to go to the doctor. we went to the doctor about 4 days later and the doctor comfirmed my pegnancy and did a routine check up..

now 8 weeks along my tummy is getting a bit bigger hohoho and i am experiencing morning sickness..and i am super super sensitive with smells which sometime no, all the time makes me quesy.. fuhh..and im tired all the time..but i am happy

eventhough we didnt plan for this but both of us are happy beyond words. to have a life inside of me is such a miracle and wonderful feeling.. i am happy that this little blueberry( we call him/her blueberry because i found out last week he/she is the size of a blueberry and the name just stuck hehehhe) will grow healthy and happy...

pray for me guys.. :)

On Hold

seems like i have to put my holiday plans on hold... looks like HE has a bigger plan for me. im taking it all in with open arms..

so for now..all i can say is ALHAMDULILLAH..

post scholarship

after i receive the 1st half of my scholarship, i decided to spend some of it to reward myself for all the miseries that i've gone through while waiting the scholarship. i bought myself a new HP woohOOoo~~. after more than 4 years using the same old samsung hp, the next day i dragged my husband and mommy(my mom is like the best person ever if u want to go and buy anything, she can deal until the seller cracks~!) to go and buy myself a new nokia hp. i know, why not blackberry or iphone. im not a fan of touch screen phones..sooo no iphone. and i did consider buying a blackbery phone..but just not me la. x minat, xknow why :0 sooo..just settled for a new nokia phone with exactly the same functions as a blackberry but wayyyy cheaper n gold colour some moreeee.

before buying a new phone, of course bayar hutang hutang with people that i owe.. and service my car yang dah very very longggg overdue. sian my baby blue tu..i spend more than rm500 servicing n baiki sket2 the car.. teruk gila kan? its just a viva, but bila nak service...adushh..boleh kopak~! so..a lot of things are done to settle all the pending stuffs..and guess what?? i finally booked tikets for our honeymoon next may~!! BALI here we comeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeayyyness~~!

it was like the most spontanious thing n we got it like for half price~! im super duper xcited n because its a long way off..i think another 7 months? we want to go all out. maybe a villa with a private pool? ahhh gila heaven ok?so..next few months we will be planning for this trip. and while waiting, we're going on our own cuti cuti malaysia :) so..everything is looking up for us now.. alhamdulillah.. :)

so..im waiting for the second half of my scholarship to book the villa and everything..

so..for now..i am happy :)

alhamdulillah

yup..that all that i can say. i am happy to say that today i have receive my memorandum for tranfer of my scholarship money. in 2 days i will get my $$ from KPT. the other half of my scholarship i will receive it by the end of the month insyaAllah...

im really getting choked up here..

ive been waiting for this moment for sooo long and i am finally here. no more paperworks.. no more waiting..no more frustating.. and no more being penniless.

this year have been one of the hardest year that i have.. apart from my wedding *grins*
its so full of realizing that hey.. family do comes first in every way..everytime.. i assure u. i really cant put down in words what my parents have done to me.. its soo... i dont know.. i cant describe it. im sorry mama n ayah for all the heartache that u must have felt during the whole duration of waiting for my scholarship.. tq mama n ayah for every little ounce of support and encouragement that u gave me each step of the way.. i love u with every single cell of my body and i surely will not let u down..

i hope that i will make u happy with my achievements and that by the time that i finish my Masters next year.. this will all be worth it.. insyaAllah..

and i count my blessing.. to HIM.. the one and only for always giving me the helping hand and hope when all i wanna do is just throw the towel and give up. without the strength and guidance by HIM.. i am nowhere..

also to my husband.. for holding on while we fully rely on his income alone. been with me through the heartache and tears.. u know what? we got thru this hard times and im sure that we can get through anything now. couples that can stay together through the hard times would definitely tell that they are compatible with each other. tq for putting up with my moodiness and tantrums when we are short with money and thank u for telling me to not always give up..

thank u also to each and everyone of u who gave me support throughout my long wait..ur encouraging words really help me get thru the hard days.. and surely put a smile on my face..

THANK YOU...

confessions of a clean freak

yeah..i admit it~!

this morning after sahur i was cleaning the kitchen. basuh sana sini n lap here and there. my husband actually fell asleep waiting for me. finally he came to the kitchen and panggil naik atas..he was sooOo sleepy. but wait~!! i saw a stain on the fridge..~!! i quickly take a cloth and lap n then lap with tissue. my husband just stare at me with horror. dia siap cakap "takut la tgk syg mengemas". i was like whattttttt? huh?

yeah.. i admit it. i just see stains everywhere and i can have sleepless nights thinking bout it. it will bother me non stop until i clean it. i dont know why i am like that. before i was married, i share a room with 3 of my siblings and usually me n my youngest sister would take turns to wash the bathroom. i paksa my adik bongsu (sian :P). i ask her to berus this and berus that. i even go as far as cleaning the bathroom door and slippers everytime i was cleaning the bathroom. my dad siap comment "lili ni, pintu toilet pon nak basuh~!"

i just cant help ittttt..im just like that. there's this one time when i feel so serabut because the kitchen floor was so sticky(to me la.. org lain ok je)..i actually simbah air sabun kat kitchen floor and was on my hands and knees with a cloth cleaning the kitchen floor.. (that time mop rosak ke ape x sure). yeah..that was one extreme incident.

so yeah.. im a clean freak :P

to my husband : sorry i am just weird like that hahaha. certain things just bothers me especially when it comes to stains or something dirty :)

Happy Birthday MAMA~~

today is my mom's birthday. we had a simple do last night at mid night to celebrate her birthday... its kinda a family tradition when we all would be gathered together and sing happy birthday and eat yummy treats. heee~~ memang fun spending time with the family. i can never get enough of them u know~!!!

happy birthday mama.. i love u with all my heart. you are the best mom ever~!! i could not ask for me... love u love u love u~~

on another note, im going back to KB this weekend to see my uncle.. so...yeah..im still praying for him..

doakan perjalanan saye.. amin

its hard

suddenly i feel really down..
maybe the fact that something that really tears my heart just happened. feeling so left out.. haiyah...

i x expect people to understand my situation. everyone have their own problems right? but i do believe that Allah make me go through all these things to make me stronger and make me hope that there will be a brighter future ahead of me. sometimes i would think to myself...maybe i should go far away n not let others know what i am feeling and what i am going thru at this very moment. because its depressing...its just soo..sad...

how people react when i tell them my condition and etc.. they just brush me off n pretend that i am lying when i am not..well.. i cant paksa people to think what i want kan? thats way beyond me...

all i can do now is just to hold tight and hope that next month or in a couple of months...my condition will be better and i can be the person that i want to be InsyAllah.. being alone and trying to hide it is something very hard to do..but i will try to hang on..

i am not the kind of person that u think i am..in this condition, i am forced to be this way...so..i am sorry if u think that i am burdening others with my problem.. because i really appreciate each helping hand that i can get and thank Allah for giving me these wonderful people..

on a happier note, i had a great catching up session with one of my closest fren in Uni. how i miss her and i hope that everything goes well for her . good luck my dear :)

Lets PRAY..

its been a really heartbreaking few days for me.. i mean.. my heart feels like there's so much weight that sometimes i feel like i couldn't breathe..

on Saturday after i finished my first part of IELTS exam and after iftar.. my dad receive a heartbreaking news that my uncle very tenat. my uncle is suffering from stage 4 brain cancer and the news we received that he is not gonna make it for long...

rase cam nak tercabut jantung.. i mean i always remember him being the most active during sukaneka on our WCJ family days and he use to be so energetic. to think of him now..it really breaks my heart. to make it worse..i have to attend the second part of my IELTS exam on monday and if i dont attend..i will have to pay over rm600 all over again to take the test..money that i do not have :(

looking at my parents faces...the mood kat rumah become so quiet and somber..everybody is sad to hear the news. my mom quickly ask me to pack her and dad's things to bring to kelantan as they were trying to catch the last flight out to KB. but sadly, we have to buy tickets at the counter for flights due in 24 hours.. so luckly that my other uncle was at the firefly counter and he bought my parents tickets for a flight first thing in the morning.. i packed my parents things with my mind thinking about my uncle.i feel so guilty not being able to go..and i pray for him everyday that he will hold on just a bit longer so that i can go and see him after my IELTS..

today i received a call that my uncle is stable..but the doctor doesn't give him much time.. so..lets PRAY guys... PRAY that my uncle will be strong and hold on because we still need him here.. AMIN :(

its FINALLY here :)

tears of joy and at the same time i just cant believe it...

7 looooOOOnngGGgg months i've waited for my scholarship and on the 14th of july it finally arrived. i am soooOooo happy beyong words that i literally jumped up and down and i feel like screaming on the top my my lungs~~ i hugged my husband and thank him for all his patience and his help through everything...

i immediately called my mom and tell her that i've got the scholarship... without my parents i am nobody and nowhere. i couldnt have survived without my parents.. i am doing ok now is all their doing..

i remember just 2 weeks ago i faced a very diffucult time in my life where i have to consider quitting my masters since i still havent got my scholarship and the faculty is just lepas tangan about everything. the thought of not being able to finish my studies literally made me cry to sleep everyday... i was really down and berserah je masa tu. but my mom assured me that she and dad will pay for everything that i need in order for me to complete my studies. i really choked up masa tu... terharu... ;(

but..it arrived .. FINALLY :) and im on the top of the world. rezeki lepas kawen org cakap?

so now i am bz doing all the documentations and all.. yela..org nak bagi scholarship sure banyak songeh and they want everything kannn~! i even have to do a hepititis test and a preganncy test~! hahaha about the pregnancy test : me n fadly were at the edge of our seats masa nak tgk pregnancy kit tu one line or two lines. both of us held our breath and thinking a thousands thoughs at once. both of us still and quiet waiting for the results... berdebar wehhhhh

BUT... hahahah we saw there was two line mula2..but we were looking it backwords. both dah mata bulat dah masatu... we were like "biar betul ni?" and then baru nampak a very clear one line... heheh it was very funny. actually i was very positive i was not pregnant.. but fadly had his doubts. i guess..having a baby now is just.. i dont know. both of us are still studying and me and fadly are just not ready for a baby now with all the hecticness of studying and exams. we have discussed bout this matter and we plan to have a baby next year insyaAllah..but, if Allah nak bagi rezeki this year..we will terima with open arms amin..

also.. our HOME is nearly complete. today my mom and dad gave us a fridge :) best gile k~!! very chic' ... black metal :) love it love it love it. thank u mama n ayah... love u guys veryyy veryyyYyyy muchooo

so..maybe nak plan a buka puasa for the cousins and friends :) we'll see k?

the wedding story and all..wah..x mood to write yet..nanti2 la k? baru nak browse through the pictures :)

thank you for all ur well wishes and for those that prayed for me and give me support while i was waiting for my scholarship.. love u guys :)

pre wedding

hey..

alhamdulillah...i have been married to my soulmate for a month now. i've been neglecting my blog because i just have no time or no mood to write~! huhuu..the past few months before the wedding have been super duper hectic. not to mention, my cousin decided suddenly that he wants to get married one week before my wedding. dramas aside, me and the whole family was in kelantan for the whole week before my wedding and we only got back on the 1st of june. then everything went into a blur of hecticness :)

a week before my cousins wedding, me and my family raced against time to kemas everything kat rumah and finalize everything. we paint the walls and grills ourselves hehehe.. it was stressfull and fun at the same time :) everyday.. surely there is something new arrived at the house...when i remember those moments..memang priceless..i feel so lucky and grateful to have such wonderful family members who sacrifice everything for my wedding..sweat and tears..seriously..we worked from morning until wee hours in the morning..

fast forward to thursday (2 days before the wedding) --- all the khemah and pelamin sampai and cousins started to arrive.. one of the first to arrive from dungun is my aunty. she said dia balik basuh baju and terus datang puncak alam..ooo so sweet kan?

people started bustling here and there..paling bz of cos my family.mmg kesian tgk all of them running here and there..muka penat..mmg kesian.. tq tq n i love u guys so much~!!

on friday --- 24hours before the wedding. i woke up early to look at the hantarans made by my super talented aunties.. and i started to sneeze and my nose suddenly asyik berair je. at that time i was bz getting this and that for the hantaran. i was thinking "this cannot be happening...this cannot be happening before my wedding..". then suddenly my dad came in and gave me a bunch of cash and shooed me, yeah..literally shoooed me out of the house and demand that i go to a spa and relax. hahaha cute gile ok~! i mean, i did'nt plan for a spa trip for my wedding, i only did a facial. so..i went to a spa near my house and i choose the most expensive package (mind u, i've NEVER been to a spa before) and relax for the rest of the afternoon. i was pampered for nearly 4 hours. OMG..heaven gile ok~~ after my pampering session, it was already 6.30pm. when i arrived home, all my cousins already arrived since we have a solat hajat that night. so..by then..i was totally relaxed and just tgk2 everybody doing last minute set ups for the wedding.

i was sent to sleep at 11pm.. i tried to sleep but could'nt. so i lay there trying to sleep but my mind is still racing...am i ready for tomorrow? will i cry shamelessly or be cool and calm? i think, around 1am, i fell asleep...but my family slept around 4am doing last minute preparations...

ok..im going to continue on the next post. highlights of my wedding... :)

give some & get some

yes, in this world we have to have give and take. respect other people.as a few of u know, i am currently pursuing my masters and STILL waiting for my scholarship which is taking its own sweet time to come kan? during this whole period of waiting i've been tempted several times to apply for jobs (which i did by the way), but none, yep NONE, zilch feedback from the prospective employer. i did manage to get 1 interview but..i failed it obviously.. shhesh. its really hard for me now. when i failed time n time again to get interviews or feedbacks, i would think that well, maybe rezeki aku still dengan TPM ni kot? so..now, after countless of tries, i am still jobless n moneyless huuuhuuu.

sooOoo..this is when u will ask me the cepumas question "WHY DID U QUIT LILI WHEN U KNOW UR GETTING MARRIED THIS YEAR N SURELY U NEED THE $$$?"

FIRST AND FOREMOST..

i had a really bad (can i say bad?) experience while i was doing my chambering. i mean it is bad in my books. i slaved away for 9 months, sometimes having to stay back at the office until 3a.m, exausted and depressed and annoyed at the same time. but, i had fun there,my officemates mmg best~! everyday we will drag our feet and moan n groan thinking "well, today pukul berapa agaknya kita balik?" i know, sepatutnya as a chambering student x kesah la balik lambat sume kan? part and parcel of like la kan? but i hate it. i hate it so much that everyday i resent and hate work... and maybe minat tu fading away bit by bit.

after chambering, i applied for another job at a new firm thinking that i should give practicing another shot. i guess..i was wrong. i ended up in this firm where my bos is super crazy. crazy i mean a bos who likes to maki and slam things in front of u. scarYyyy i know. words like stupid and useless scremed in front of my face and in front of all the clerks where the clerks have no whatsoever respect for me. i was like the officeboy there..cam tu level i kat sana. and my heart hurt everyday..n the feeling of dread going to work..again materialize..i want to quit. but..i just cant. i hate being a quitter.

come january..suddenly an opportunity materialize. i saw the TPM advertisement and the faculty called and offered me a place. i saw this opportunity as a chance for me to be happy and not hate my life. that is the state i was then. i discuss it with my parents and my parents fully support me. the faculty said that i will get the offer within 2 months and that i should start my master immediately so that i can save time and graduate early---- which means that i have to pay the rm4k fees on my own...and after i get the scholarship, i will be reimbursed. rm4k is a huge amount and my parents agreed to pay it for me. i was expecting to get my scholarship in february or march the latest. but UiTM being UiTM...lambat la kan? until this moment..NO NEWS. i think about this everyday and sometimes i regret my decision of quitting too early. but..i just cant stand it anymore. i just want to quit and start anew. i guess..starting over is taking its time and taking a toll on me. im drained...seriously...but the thing is..i know i got the scholarship. my lecturer and even the scholarship dept said ..i got it. but tunggu nak proses surat.wut the heck kan?~!

anyway..everyday i think of my decisions and sometimes i think that my life xada hala tuju like i dont know what i want in my life. and i feel sad and hopeless that i have no income and being supported fully by my parents. i feel so useless because i should be out there and earn money..i have all the qualifications but i am not using it. is this the example that i am showing to my siblings? am i good person for doing all this? i feel so.. useless... thats how i feel now. i feel like crying and shouting on the top of my lungs "gimme a break~! please~!" and i feel so sad that i cant dontribute anything for my wedding..x resources :(

but i guess...apart from all my personal problems, i am blessed with wonderful parents, siblings and fiancee'. they fully support me and my mom understands why i made the decisions i made. my mom told me that i looked very unhappy while i was practicing. i guess..mothers just knows kan? my parents planned a lovely wedding for me..eventhough there's some problems here and there like..ehem ehem. but i will take it all in stride.. i know, eventhough my parents is not as rich.. they plan my wedding as beautiful as they can because they love me. my parents worked hard for my wedding because they love me. and i am so blessed to have them..i guess.. i am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world to have these people in my life... :(

pray for me guys..pray that i can hold on..amin

15 days & counting

hey ..

been quite bz since the wedding is coming up in less than 3 weeks. im trying not to think of how close i am and try and take it one day at a time. this week i even lost track of days as i cant remember what day is today.. bolehhh takkkkkkkkkkkk~~~

anyway.. fadhliy already moved in our home last week and he just arrived in KB today. he'll be back by early june to settle all lose ends. his family needs him at home for his side of the preparations :) i miss him~!

every day there is something new happening at home..and everyday i feel this pang of sadness and also xcited at the same time. my parents are doing everything in their power and kudrat to make my wedding a very special day and i am so thankful and blessed with such wonderful parents. till this moment, nothing.. NOTHING that i want and need for my wedding my parents x bagi. my house is even complete~!! complete i mean : i have furnitures for my living room, sofas and even beds for the guess rooms~! i mean,... my parents really have set me up for the life ahead...they have provided everything they can when i know most parents dont do that... not everyone have that and i am very blessed and i love my parents from the bottom of my heart...words just cant do justice of what they have done.. terharu ...

i love my parents~!

anyway..less than 15 days im going to be mrs fadhliy :) nervousssss ... pray for me guys :)

well..hello there :)

hey..
i know i know..long hiatus~~~ just no mood or idea to write. too much problems drowning me urghhh...financial probs especially .. but, im not going into that now. i just hope HOPE hope..that everything is worth it..all this waiting for the stupid scholarship(stupid but i need u~!) .. i just hope that everything is worth it.

i saw one of my best fren last weekend. she keep asking me why dont i want to practice. my answer is simple..tawar hati. thats it. my working experiences really really put me off.walau bertapa pandai ke or great i was masa degree ke LLB, practicing just drains me to the bone. and i applaud all my frens out there yang still practicing.. hats off guys~!! but..thats a story for another day ok? dont want to dampen my mood :P

so..today have been a really really productive day :)

sudah bayar deposit rumah that me n F will rent after we are married :) hapy happy..got it dirt cheap and its close to HOME :) .... two storey terrace house.. so, i am happy :)

next : already finalize the nikah papers and booked the tok kadhi :) double triple happy :) :) :)
so..i really really feel that this is it~!! i am getting married in less than 2 months~!!

we still have to get a couple of things for our hantaran..and fitting will be next month. wah..overwhelming... xpe xpe. i will get through this~! yeayyy

tu la..update ape je kan orang nak kawen ni, of cos update pasal kawen je.

anywhoosss.. i will write later. just to share with u guys my happy news :)

meh kita doa bersama-sama supaya scholarship ni cepat datang...

AMINNNNNN

down and broke ---- literally

yup.. i am so so so broke. only rm10 in my purse. gile pathetic kan?

i want to work. this scholarship is taking too long. i need to get some moolah fast~! cepat cepattt scholarship woiii :( :( :(

a week down memory lane

Today im having a preety bad cold.. urghhh~!! x larat asyik sneezing~

anyways, this week have been a week that i would like to call a week down memory lane. why? well, because this week ive been spending loads of time in uitm doing stuff, asgmnt etc etc. it really made me feel a pang of longing n it made me miss my varsity days. i really do..i wish i could just stay in that moment. i like staying in kolej melati where i would hang out with my frens n cool roomates. checking out our U's lastest events etc.

during my degree years, i have a really really big crush on this person and i would linger in places that i know he will pass by for hours~!! talk about obsessed~! i mean, just a glimps of that person would surely make my day and i could tell the story to my frens again n again how i saw him etc etc. well u know? the usual girls crush. hehehe..when i think back about all i did, it was really funny n i think to myself how carefree i was and how innocent i was at that time.. hahaha.

on monday, out of the blue i decided to walk from the faculty to melati because my lil sis had my car and she was running a bit late.so..instead of waiting around, i decided to walk. i took the route that i have passed millions of times everyday to class. yeah..u've guess it, the bukit kat cempaka tu huhuhu.but thankfully i was walking downhill, and it was 9.30 at night..so it was not hot or anything. so..there i go walking, just enjoying the night's breeze and the calm night. i walked passed the chempaka building and i think to myself..hm..maybe in 1 year i'll be working here..i got a glimpse of my future. then..i walked down and i passed this little patch of field just beside the cempaka building and i remembered that i met my future husband here.. and the memories of the day that he first came up to me n talk for the first time came flooding in my head. i feel such a sense of happiness there..just walking n looking at places that meant so much to me...i walked on beside the road at perindu and down to delima. i cant remember the last time i actually walked pass that roadin 2 years~! yeah..i remembered i would walk back to college with my frens. it could be anyone..zue,leha,donna,sarah, or anyone who just happens to be in the same class with me..we would talk, laugh n just walk the long n tiring route from the faculty to melati...such wonderfull memories..i wish i could relive each n every one of them in my head :)

and suddenly i started thinking that..im going to the next phase of my life in less than 3 months. im going to marry the man i love with all my heart and i met him here..in that route that ive walked a thousands of times. i am happy... :)

at this moment, i did'nt even know who he was...look, he's staring hehehe.picture taken in late december 2005

FOUR is the number

yeah, this post is like 2 days too late huhuhu.

Last sunday was our 4th anniv being together.. and i was really wondering like..WOW, we've really been through a lot. and this year is our year...we're getting married in june~!! its totally un planned..it just happened...

i have a lot of things so say here but the love, feelings and everything is just ...wow.i cant express it in words..

soo..happy anniv sayang~!! another 3 months 3 days ~! yeayy

Reality Check

today, Fiancee spend the whole day at my house trying and succesfully baiki my mom's laptop. we cooked chicken rice for lunch n had yummy tea snacks ---- i made creamy n delicious Teh tarik huhuhuu...he did'nt pay that much attention to me though, as he is busy n focussed reformatting an all that etc etc...but basically its a good day. a sneak peak perhaps of whats to come...in a couple of month's time...

otw back..we decided to just check out some houses around the area to look for prospective houses for us to rent after getting married. 2 months back, my dad told me that he isn't comfortable n cant sleep at night thinking if i were to live in a condo or apartment and asked me to try and look at terrace houses or any landed property, as long as it isnt a high rise building ---- cute gile kan? terharu kejap. my dad is like that, he is very caring n selalu risaukan safety of his children in his own way.

for instance, when i was in secondary school, i pled my dad to agree to let me go camping at bukit cerakah which was then just 'belakang rumah', as we then live in section 8 shah alam. my dad refused me time n time again. and u guys know what was his alasan? he said "keturunan kita x boleh masuk hutan, nanti kene hempap pokok~!" i was like...huh? really ayah? hehehhe so innocent btol. but come to think of it..it was sooOOoo funny.

anywayyYyyy..back to finding a house part, me n fadhliy look around the area n found some prospective houses, but yet to confirm on the actual rent..so need to find out. one of the questions that keeps bugging me now, is when do u start looking for a house? is now too early or what? have no idea...n i can yet find a time to sit down n discuss with my parents on when is the right time to house hunt :|

after looking at this house n that house, on my way back..i started thinking..hey, im gonna be living with this guy..alone in a couple of months. i wont have my family around anymore...i wont have my dad sitting in the living room watching tv when i come home n mom louging at the sofa. i wont be able to bug my little sister while she is doing her homework. i wont be able to hear my lil bro's unnusual jokes, i wont be able to hear n watch my big sister doing something funny, n i wont be able to laugh at my lil sister while she is being a total drama queen... ----- it really hit me u know. and i suddenly felt a pang of sadness and im afraid of letting go all of that. i will miss them ever so terribly...n my life would change and wont ever be the same again :(

i would surely cry on my wedding for sure....

i LOVE my family

CNY SALE~!!!

i just can go crazy shopping in metrojaya during the CNY weekend ---- which is last week by the way :P

seriously value for ur money... we start of the day by thinking of purchasing our wedding rings at the curve as Habib is having their CNY sale up to 70%~! mmg gile gile la....i pon jadi gile~! huhuhu i know cam typical giler kan phrase i, i mean girls n shopping ----- theres nothing that can go wrong with that statement kan?

anywaysss...me being totally picky in picking my own wedding band...me n fadhliy round and stop by the booth a couple of times. being indecisive. finally i've decided on a ring which is perfect~! beautiful...but guess what? no SIZE arghh nape la tangan i mean jari ini perlu bulat ehem~~ i mean cute huhuhu...and the sales person said they cannot resize it as the ring have a lot of diamonds on it and the diamonds would definitely fall off...so...dengan sedihnye me n fadhliy went to a corner and have a little discussion on what to do...so..since we're already at the curve, we decided to just go and hunt for the other hantaran things which is still pending. we loaded up on bonia and CD items which is sooOoooo cheap, plus we got a rm150 voucher~!! best gile gile ok~!! i actually had my eye on a DKNY watch which is sooooOOooo lawa..and just rm400, but but butttt~!! we can get it for much lesser than that overseas...so..xpe..xpe..wait for APRIL guys~!!

we literally shop till we drop at metrojaya with good bargains which is up to 70% off..who would'nt go crazy eh? so..now almost 70% of our hantaran things are done..the ones left are those that need to be purchased overseas due to a very obvious price difference :) so..we're done with hantaran for now... happy happy :)

fadhliy had officially moved to his new house in kelantan.. so no fretting over what address to put in our wedding invitation.. fuhhh..nasib baik. u see, we were thinking about just sharing our card to save our budget and not overdo on the wedding spending thingy~!! so...now..finalize cards~!!

anyways..not much to update... just had a very fulfilling and lovely weekend :)
catch u guys later :8)

Here with me

yesterday was the worst~!

woke up in the morning and my mom ask me to get ready to go to the hospital to see my aunty who is realy sick..very emotional morning for many of us..the whole clan came to the hospital to see her and to meet up with the doctors and all...well i spare u the details huhu..

by 1 'o clock i have to rush to putrajaya as i have a meeting with a financial consultant..got there at the nick of time and my sister tag along as she has nowhere to go..kesian la jugak kan :P. at 7 'o clock, i came back to my car..guess wut? my car x boleh stat~!! gile gile~! i was freaking out as i have a very important interview on monday morning n have yet to finalize my powerpoint n cerf etc etc..i was thinking --- yeah.. IM DEAD~~~

waited for my cousin to come to jump start the car (my sister turn on the car's radio sampai habis batery for ur info) and by then it is 8.30 and i am still stranded kat putrajaya. jump start the car n the car dah ok..my dad called n ask me to go to the nearest petrol station to isi air betery. i am super duper thankful that my fiancee was there as he was the one yang walked to the petrol station to beli tong petrol untuk isi petrol because at first we thought minyak habis.. tEEttttt..hahaha silap. my hand was already soaked with petrol by the time we realize that its not because the fuel tank was empty.. sheesh~! and right now..i can still smell petrol kat my hands :P

after all that, i drop of the fiancee etc etc, i finally reached home at 11 o'clock and was super duper exausted~! quickly finalize my power point n susun my cerf n sleep like a zombie.

come monday morning....
all i can say is that the interview is VERY very interesting. they ask me like a thousand of questions~!!! i was like..huh...hm...hahahah sampai xtau nak jawab ape~! so funny. and the panel for the scholarship is en basir, mr lingam (deadly questions..as u know guys..macam viva corporate~!), dr zaiton (she's quite nice..as now she's teaching me LRM) n dr baharin (he ask me the Q: why dont u ask ur mom to pay ur fees--- i was like? hm? nooOoo..i need this scholarship, the fees is nearly rm4k~! mati aku nak byr sorg huuu).

but, it was interesting la...i really really hope i will get this TPM thing.. Amin amin..

updates on weddings? for now...tunggu fitting baju n sending my nikah baju to the tailor n buying our hantaran stuffs..etc etc. hm? macam banyakkk la plak hehehe. hey, im a cool bride to be, i dont panic huhu :P anyways..its underway la..all i can say is, for my wedding we got little committees, my family members each will be responsible for one thing like hantaran n bilik pengantin, parking, khemah etc etc.. so..im really thankful for my family.. i love them to death~! everything is covered... alhamdulillah... thanks mama n ayah n wcj n uncle aman n...everybody~!! so..dont scold me if u ask me a question about my wedding n i would not know how to answer..huuu..all i can say is..my wedding will be beautiful, simple n personal :) pray for me guys :)

anyways.. maybe my mom will go overseas to buy some stuff for the wedding...hope all goes well amin.. ;)

now, its time to be totally utterly paranoid while i await for the scholarship results... arghh...cant think..cant think....

laging...laging..

yeah..im slow..slow..huhuu

last week wast a full week for me. went for the kursus kawen at JAIS which was great. seriously~! for u guys yang thinking going to private places nak wat kursus n pay more, the answer is x payah la. just go to the one yang JAIS buat, best, lawak n x mengantuk (suprisingly). i started the morning thinking that..hm.. im gonna be sleepy the whole time org tu ceramah, but i was wrong. i enjoyed it~! plus, i get to spend some time with the fiancee..hehehe. HAPPY~~~

i also sent my car for service..this one is sooOoo long overdue. n i had to pay rm400 for it~!...owh..melayang duit..im officially broke now. huhuu..dah le tgh tanam anggur..so..at that time i was thinking that hey, i should go out n find a job PLZ~! hahaha baru la tersedar. but then, alhamdulillah..last monday i got a call from the faculty, n voila~! i've got an interview next monday.huUuu..goosebumps goosebumps...tatuttt.... pray for me guys..

in the interview i have to teach for 10mins...so, now dalam process buat slide. just doing something simple..ADR. so, hope that i can do it n get my TPM scholarship.. amin.. (hope hope hope)

last week, i also spend some time with the fiancee to buy by hantaran handbag. love it btw~! tq sayang...suppose this weekend nak pegi hantaran hunting again..but with the interview n all..i x think i want to go out. so lot to read up...so, we'll see....

oh yeah, 1 thing i wanna share with u guys, 1 thing that i thought is very interesting that ive picked up from the kursus kahwin. the ustaz remind us that for whatever reason.. never go to bed mad at ur other half..hold hands before u sleep..yeah, maybe we should practice that kan? sometimes we are so mad that we dont care what our love one is thinking or feeling, the only thing we want is to hurt them n make them feel what we are feeling.i guess, at the end of the day..forgiveness is the key.. ok. i x kawen lagi kot..huhuhu. only that a lot of what the ustaz said makes me think about a lot of things.. i think that after the kursus kawen i am a better person. i mean both of us try to make the best of everything..and i hope everything will go well until june Insyaallah..

i also want to say tq from the bottom of my heart to this 1 person who works very hard night n day for the family... u r really a true superwomen..and i love u so much and thank u for every single thing that u have done... i love u..tq..

k, will update on the interview..erk~! pray for me guys... :)

Mini reunion

last night i went to zack's bertandang n i literally think it was a kinda mini reunion~! everybody was there xpecially the LLB 2Bians (hehehe funny la this word). it was so great to see them all~! and everybody is getting married this year. n guess what? i think i share the same weeding date with at least 4 of my frens~! hehehehe..yeah..well... benda yang baik kan? i dont mind sharing the same wedding date with my frens. yang mane berkesempatan pergi tu alhadulillah la kan.. :)

anyways, i think after dah habis blaja n everybody going their own ways ni, the only time that we can meet up ramai-ramai is during weddings. dont u guys agree with me? yeah..so more n more weddings plz~!

owh..for those b2b, u guys nak good bargain n shop for hantaran ke ape u guys can try the SOGO aniversary sale..its on now. so..nak beli perfume or whatever, the time is NOW~! hehehe..

last night, a couple of my frens asks me about my preparation.. i dunno how to answer~! boleh x? ntah..right now its not actually moving..hantaran is being settled bit by bit..catering n pelamin are all settled..ntah la..everything is going slowly n smoothly... but i cant wait to get married~! looking at zack's wedding which is soo beautiful n u can see how much they are in love with each other. so..i think thats my aim. my wedding will be simple but beutiful. full of lourrrrvvveee huhu..ok. stop.dah.berangan

and i am sooOoo terharu with my family. all of them are offering to help for the reception which is so so sweet..i love u guys. tggu feb k? we go all out by then..i think i want to go n have a day out with the cuzzies to look for my bertandang dress.. can ah? january is actually kumpul duit time for me n fadhliy. pray that all goes well ya? amin...

yeah..my ramblings..this post is jumping from 1 topic to the other. sorry guys~! so much to say but xde idea. check in later k?

ps: hi mr ISKANDAR~!

lazy wednesday~~~

well..not so lazy laa

today im going to settle a couple of things...pay off my car n fetch my lil sis's spects etc etc.and i have kak zai's class at 6.30.. so..while waiting for my dad, i guess i just blog a little.

well, yesterday i've received an invitation from my mom's financial planner to come to his seminar. my mom is very very keen on me going as i will be getting married in june and she wants me n F to have a strong financial backup and make sure that we can buy our own house after one year of marriage. insyaallah..i think we can do it~!

so...thats one our our plans after marriage. we havent started looking for houses yet..maybe we will rent somewhere near my house as here is cheaper and the houses are new. last time i checked, to rent a house near here is about rm300-400~! cheap kan?~! thats one of the ways that we plan to save money as only the both of us is going to be living there, so what the point in spending rm800-rm1k for just renting a house? while u can bayar the monthly installment of ur own house with that money? so..thats some of the things that my parents talk about when we discuss about my future. i think what my parents said was very very true and me n F will try to find a cheap house to live in maybe for 1 year..then buy our own house :)

to tell u the truth, i am sooooOoo bad with money~! i dont have any savings and i will finish up all my salary or ptptn or whaetever by the end of the month or semester. so..having a financial planner is good..maybe i can dicipline myself more and save more money for my future...

wedding wise, nothing new.. nothing is moving,..hehhe. i hope by next month everything will be up and running..

oh, and my mom ask me to write a list of things i will need after getting married, like house hold appliances etc etc..so...now its making a list time~!

check in later :)

its really happening~!

hey..

everything i read now is about wedding.plus, one of my course mates just got married last friday and from the pictures i know it was very beautiful and i just can feel the love between them both~! at the same time makes me sooOoooo cant wait for mine~!!! HEHEH E

well.. not to say that mine would be as lovely n beautiful as theirs..but for me, each and every bride to be have their own dreams on how their wedding would be...so do i. but mine is not very specific so to speak. as i am very very grateful as my family especially mom n dad giving me this wedding. i thank Allah everyday that i dont get head ache and feel stressful as i know my wedding will be the same as my engagement where everybody will pitch in. isnt having a lovely n understanding family beautiful? i am SO lucky to have each and every single one of them. my family n WCJ and also my aunties from malacca..i know they will come and pitch in :)

i also read one of my other course mate's blog who will be getting married around the same time as i am..wow~! dah banyak siap preparation u zaza~! zaza, i tiru ur post sikit2 tau hahaha wishing u all the best :) as for me...

pelamin and baju are settled..only the baju nikah that needs to be send to the tailor and also baju for his side is still not decided

catering done --- yeay~!

hantaran --- we're working on it kan sayang? haa

phototgrapher --- the fiancee gonna sort that out for me :)

nikah n sanding will be held at my house..in puncak alam on 5th June 2010

his side will be in kelantan on 19th June 2010

favours --- no idea yet

cards --- not yetTTt..but soon..

yeah..thats all that i can think of.. for now.. so everything is ok kot...

anyways.. back on the whole wedding topic. i really cant wait to be married to him... i think its because all the wedding exposure ive been getting plus the beautiful pictures from my course mate wedding that makes me feel this way~! hahahahaha

anyways..enough~! stop day dreaming Lili~! ur time is coming sooOooon..

pray for me guys..n keep me sane for another ..hm..4 months? plus minus? :)