WeeeeepYyyy Mummy

ive been seriously weepy the past 2-3 weeks. things happening arround me doesnt help me either. this is a very difficult time for me as some events have happened which i am not ready to share with u guys. what i think and feel about this matter is for me alone to know and discuss with my husband. i thank Allah everyday for giving me a wonderful and caring husband beside me.. i know for a fact that without him, i would'nt have survived last week. we talked a lot since then.. discussing how do we feel about things.. we even cried together one night while discussing things that bother both of us. for me, the most important thing is that we both understand each other and both of us are in the same level of thinking.. thats what important.

yesterday.. i was crying again. a lot of sadness surrounds me yesterday. i was so mad and my heart could not stop beating so fast all through the night. i could'nt sleep. i was mad and also sad. i woke up with a nightmare and i woke up wanting to cry --- again.i believe things happen for a reason. im trying to push aside this anger and pain i feel so that i can live normally again. i was just starting to cool down from the last episode but suddenly it happened again. its not right..but hey, shit happens. right?

i hope to find my peace someday.. i even think of doing the extreme yesterday..but i just dont have the heart or strength to do it.it drains me to the core of my being. being at war with my feelings is very very tiring. but i cant.. my feelings have been broken and cut into tiny little pieces and im afraid that this feeling of hurt that i feel could not be mend. but i do pray every day that one day i would find peace with all the things that have happened.

i guess this is just one of the symptoms of being pregnant, being weepy all the time...

on a happier note, i can feel blueberry kicking me all the time~! heheee.. i love u baby..please come quick and make mummy happy everyday ok..muax muax

TIRE----D~~

a week ago, i got an offer to become an RA for one of the senior lecturer in my faculty. i was overjoyed because firstly, i would earn rm1k more monthly that i plan i would put 100% in our baby account where i have been saving together with my husband for the preparation of our own lil bundle of joy :) i hope we will get at least more than 10k by the time blueberry arrives since i have yet to know what is my birth plan and i need a backup in case that i have to deliver thru surgery which surely would cost me about 8k. we are now more than halfway through..so i hope by june..we can get more. insyaAllah..i believe in rezeki anak :)

secondly, i hope to get the chance to know the ropes here in the law faculty because i am going to be one of the faculty member very very soon

thirdly, i hope that i could persuade this senior lecturer to try and convince the panels so that i can teach in shah alam, or better yet ------- puncak alam. ya laa...im having a baby here..it would be so hard if kene posting mana mana..i hope i can get to teach here.

so..i see this as a wonderful opportunity for me.. but i didnt anticipate the exaustion that i felt after completing the first day of work. yup..i am 16 weeks pregnant now..my tummy is rounder and i feel so heavy..hohoho..kene naik tangga faculty hari hari is a challenge for me. if nothing truly utterly important for me to do that requires me to go down or up the stairs..i will avoid it at all cost~!!!

to be axect, yesterday was my first day. as usual..i arrived first thing in the morning about 9a.m. settle down and my bos had a list waiting for me..i mean a list of work that i need to do. internet was down at the faculty ... so i cant do much really :P but i finally finished all my work and about half an hour before 5, my lecturer told me that my class at 6.30 is cancelled.i was overjoyed and cant wait to rush back home and lie down till tomorrow hohoho.. but NOPE ----- turns out my husband have class and his class finishes at 10!! horror... i was thinking..aiyooo..this surely going to be a long day :(

so...after my husband's class ended, we went to buy some food for my sister's birthday celebration (Happy birthday ALIAAAA~~!!) and finally..about 11.15..i arrived home and ready to faint. i was soooooooo tired to the core that i feel like i could'nt walk anymore~! u know that pregnant women gets tired 100x worse!!! i was ready to collapse.. but hey, got a birthday to celebrate.. hohoo after celebrating my sister's birthday.. by 1 o'clock i was getting so cranky that i just want to sleeppp sleep sleeepppp.. i collapse on the bed with a very bad back pain n try to sleep thru the night :(

so..here i am..9am, back in the office. it took real superhuman effort for me to wake up this morning! i hope i would survive this job..n i hope to do it excellently..need the extra cash and get to spend more time doing assignments then lepakking at home doing nothing (ohhhh i miss that!!)

pray for me guys :)

ps: i think im starting to feel little butterfly movements in my belly..is it my blueberry learning to kick mommy's tummy? hehehe

ok. tired pregnant women signing off

15 weeks

alhamdulillah..i am now officially 15 weeks pregnant. i am happy and quite relieved actually hohoho.

just to share with u what ive experience during the whole 15 weeks of my pregnancy :)


morning sickness

the usual, morning sickness yang datang bukan sahaja morning, every second of the day it will come without warning. but i am quite weird when other pregnant women knows what actually make them sick and vomit, but me..??? nothing specific. it can be the smell of drains or even a simple thing like the smell of eggs or budu hohoho. the toilet makes me squirmy.. no matter whose toilet it is. even my own!! being the clean freak that i am, i am aware of everything thats in the toilet..even talking about this making me vomit. what i realise is that i just cant stomacth going in public toilets and mamak stalls. eww makes me vomit everytime~!

back aches

arghh..my back aches came very early in my pregnancy. you see, when i was about standard 3-5, cant remember, i fell down a horse and the doc said my back is a bit crooked. so.. since im pregnant, my lower back is really really bugging me. i get pains all the time especially when i try to sleep. to tukar from 1 position to another takes so much effort sometimes~! but i realise, that it starting to fade bit by bit. but my back is still killlllingggg me. i read on some pregnancy blogs that back aches will get better in the 2nd trimester..oohhh..i hope its true. i need a comfortable night's sleep plz~!

insomnia

yup..i have a mile case of insomnia where some nights its soo hard for me to fall asleep. my husband, being the human being that he issss..letak kepala kat bantal je boleh tido~! jeles~! soo..i will gerak kiri kanan kiri kanan trying to get the best sleeping position so i can sleep, which at the same time is not helping my back.. sigh~~ i hope my in my 2nd trimester..i will be sleeping a bit better..

cranky/ no mood

yup..mood swings~~ pregnant women are like that so bare with us. we dont mean to be so cranky.. hohoho sorry syg~ but i become more cranky than ever and even the simplest thing makes me mad like..ntah, xleh pikir. but, trying to control this crankiness..soooOOoo not good~!

lazy

yupp..i becomes sooo sooo lazy doing housework or whatever. but sometimes i want to do it, but i just cant bring myself to do it. soo..my husband will do most of it. alhamdulillah..maybe its due to the fact that i get super superr tired easily and i get easly breathless. i read pregnancy books, they order us to be slackers so that we get the rest that we need. dont overdo ourselves and alwayss alwaysssss relax and take everything easy :) alhamdulillah..my siblings are covering this part..i thank god everyday because i have such beautiful n caring n rajin sgt punya siblings hohoho thanks guys sebab layan me~!

tired and breatlessness

i get tired so very easyly. even walking makes me tired. i feel tired all the time. i just want to stay in bed allll day if i have a choice. but no, i have to move around and go to class yada yada yada.. but seriously..i feel really tired all the time. i guess its all part of being pregnant.. because i feel tired, going out to class or even to thr mall is a challenge for me. i get tired easily and make my husband walk very slowly with me so that i wont get too tired and feel cranky :P

fear

yup, i am this person who worries about many things especially things that involve my baby. everyday, i make it a point to read pregnancy books so that i know im doing ok and feel less worried. i just cant help it..i love this precious bluEberry that i think im willing to die for it. it is my soul now.. and i am very protective of it. anyone who drives like a maniac n i am the passenger will get a piece of my mind. plz~! drive slow n carefully..pregnant women on board. hohoh my husband selalu kene bebel with me.. :P but hey..motherly instincts maybe? HOHOHOH

so..basically thats some of the things i want to share with u since i got pregnant.. it is surely a wonderful journey and i cant wait for more :)

i love u blueberry..be safe for mommy ok?

update~

this is blueberry about a month ago..

alhamdulillH..i am now about 3months and 1 week pregnant. i am so relieved to have passed the first trimester..i can now at least breathe a bit more calmly and not panic on every little sign that is alien or weird. hohoho..but i still get panicky sometimes. u see me cool n calm but inside, my heart is beating really fast and sometimes i get so nervous that i have to quietly calm myself..fuhh.. but alhamdulillah..praise to Allah for making everything fine and giving me this wonderful blessing.. :)

i went to the doctor on monday for my monthly checkup. the doctor says everything is ok..the baby is doing fine and i can see the heart is beating through the ultrasound. but this time, we cant really see the baby clearly..the baby keeps moving n being active..so its a good sign. i love u baby~!!

anywayyy.. the doctor checked my blood pressure and immediately says that its on the high side and ask me to refer to a physician after seeing her. but, before i go and see the physician, i must first do the routine blood test and urine test to check for diabetes. so..off i went to the lab to do my blood n urine test with my husband in tow :)

to tell u the truth, i have a "thing" with needles where i am utterly and absolutely scared of needles~!! but, i psyched myself all the way to the lab by saying to myself "lili, ur going to have a baby, so u must be strong n throw away this ridiculous fear of needles that u have ur whole life!!" hahahah it was harddddd..i was super nervous while waiting for my turn. my husband make lame jokes to make me feel relaxed, which worked in a way..hohoho.. so sweet of him tho.

well, when my turn finally came, suprisingly, i was calm n ready to be poked hohoho. the thing is, i must look at my hand while the needle is being inserted so that i can anticipate when the pain will come.. hoho. weird i know. but..i have my own way of dealing with my fears hehehe. so..there i was staring at the stringe and needle poked in my hand and the blood flowing steadily inside. then, its over~! so..not so painful at all. after taking my blood, i am asked to drink this yucky super super sweet glukose drink. a whole mugful of it..yuckkk..i nearly threw up on the lab floor~! hooho..and i was asked to come back in 2 hours to give my urine.

Then, off i went to see the physician. waited for half n hour and finally get to see the physician. the physician checked my blood pressure n eyes and hand. he explained that having high BP is dangerous for both the mother n baby. it could cause the baby being premature and many other things. so..its vital that he control and monitor my BP from the early stage. he was a bit puzzled because when he checked my BP, my BP was not so high. but he still want me to monitor my BP for 2 weeks and then come and see him again. the physician also wants me to do a blood test~!! arghh..again..have to go to the lab and the lab staff poked my other arm.. so now i have 2 plastered arms hehehe. nasib baik x payah drive..if x..lenguh jugak laa kott..~~

then, its time to pay the hospital bills for the day..tettt tettt hohoho. mahal gile..yeap..xpected since its private. buttt...mmg terkejut dgn amountnyee..agak lari jugak la budget for next month ni. nearly nearrllyyyy rm1k. nak pengsan jap. hohoho.yeap..hospital bills aint cheap~! but, i hope everything will go well and xpayah nak g amik amik darah lagi :(

my mom cakap, "tula..now u know macam mana susahnya nak mengandungkan anak ni.." hohoho baik mama..insaf. mmg susah n banyak dugaan. but insyaAllah, with my husband, my mom n dad, and my siblings, i can get through all of this. i cant wait to see u baby..we are all waiting for u :) be safe~! mama loves u~

Heartbeat

well..i am now about 11 weeks pregnant..

last week, i started to have really light brownish bleeding.. and i didnt go to the doctor right away as i googled it, they say that brown blood is just old blood and it always comes out when you're nearing the end of your 1st trimester. so..i thought nothing of it..but i was instructed by my mom to get a lot of rest which turns out that i have to lie down most of the time. so..the bleeding stops after 3 days and then on sunday it starts again. so then..i became a bit panicked. so..on early monday morning i when to see my gynea. but unfortunately she was off that day so i have to see another gynae..a male doctor hohoho.agak malu disitu.. but this doc turns out really great and gentle.

when i first came in i told him about the bleeding and all bla bla bla..so he just said, why dont we scan n see whats going on? soo..i lie down and the nurse open my pants and tarik skit underwear..the male doctor x touch me langsung...so thats good la.i started to relax and x nervous sgt...

the doctor put the cold jelly on my belly and started scanning using the thing (i seriously x tau whats it called~~ hohoho). anywayyyyy...took a long time to locate the baby..bila dah nampak..dia pusing mesin tu sana, pusing sini because he cannot find the baby's heartbeat. i was preparing for the worse i was starting to panic and want to cry... and the after searching searching..finally...we heard the baby's heartbeat... Subhanallah..its the most beautiful sound in the world. i was in total awe.. words cannot dicribe how i feel at that very moment..i was speecless and i can feel my eyelids were wet. i was totally amazed of this little "blueberry" growing inside my tummy. and that time it truly truly hit me that... i have a life growing inside me..and the heart is beating really really fast~!! ahh..it was a really touching and moving moment for me and my husband. my husband actually asked, is that the heart beat? he too was speechless....

the doctor then explained..that my tummy is a bit tebal (hohoho sorry sayang..ur mama a bit fat~! ohoho) so thats why kadang2 susah nak locate the heartbeat.. then while explaining the doctor say "haa..ur tuummy a bit tebal..see..if i press ur tummy.." then the doctor press my tummy with the scanner thing, then the baby actually gerak gerak~! arms and legs dia was like waving waving. me n my husband terus gelak~!! it was sooo sooOOOoo cuteee the way it wiggles when the doc press my tummy hehehe~~ then lap lap perut and then sit dengan doctor again. the doctor gave me some pills to stop the bleeding and ask me to come by in 2 weeks :)

so everything is ok.. my lil blueberry is fine and active..very naughty yee anak mama, wiggle wiggle like that.. i love u sooo soo much~

i hope you will grow up healthy and mama wants to see u again in two weeks ~~!! muax muax

6 months

today marks the 6th month ive been married...

and today i feel all nostalgic and remembering the day that i got married. i dug out out photo albums and wedding cd's and look through the pictures taken on that day. 6 months ago i became his and now i am carrying our child in my womb. who could ever guessed? that i'll be blessed with such miracle so early in my marriage? i am thankful of every day that i am here and everyday that we share because each day, my love for him grows stronger and stronger :)

i still remember clearly that day...5th june 2010. i woke up really early in the morning to get ready. all through the nikah ceremony i was trying so sooo very hard not to cry.trying to keep my cool. but, after 1 lafaz, i became officially his and my tears just starts rolling down my cheeks. when i salam my mom, all the tears i try to keep inside just broke loose and there i was, bawling on my wedding day hahahaha. it was quite funny after a while, when i look at my nikah pictures i looked so sad and ready to cry.. and there i was thinking that i was looking calm n cool while waiting for the lafaz. i cried non stop when i salam my mom, dad and my siblings. i just felt that.. it is very emotional for a girl to be married especially when u are very veryy close to your family. its like letting go of something that u know and love so long to go into another place that u barely know... n here i am, 6 months along doing preety good i guess.

one thing that i've learn, even after u are married, u still have the to chance to hang out with your family, macam bujang2 dulu. i am very very lucky because my husband is an understanding person and we spend more time at my family's house than our own hohoho!

when i look back at my wedding pictures i again say my thanks to HIM for giving me soo many blessing.. the ultimate gift that HE gave me is a wonderful family. it still bring me to tears when i think back at how hard they worked for my wedding.. :) i am indeed lucky..

also, HE gave me my scholarship when the time i needed it the most... soon after that he gave me the most precious thing ---- my little blueberry.

i know this year i have sooo sooo much to be thankful about..

alhamdulillah... Amin :)

My Little Blueberry

its been a while that ive known this news but i didnt feel like a was ready to share it with anyone besides my family. as for today, i am about 8weeks pregnant~!

i was a bit shocked when i got to know but i was suspecting it. my period was so late and i asked around about my condition. i asked my mom and tkah and both of them just ask me to wait until my next period is due. but hey, i was sooo sooOOoo curious that i just have to go to the pharmacy and get one of those pee on a stick thingy and read the instructions. me and my husband have classes on that day and we were rushing to Guardion to get the pregnancy test because it was nearly closing time. both of us was litterally breathless once we got to Guardian and pick up a test kit. the test said that ideally i should do the test first thing in the morning. so both of us decided to wait and do the test in the morning. i was actually tempted to do the test right away once we got home, but my husband ask me to wait till morning hohohoho.. very impatient kan saye ni?~!

anyways, i woke up very early the next morning, i think about 8? and did the test. and suprisingly it came out POSITIVE~! at first i was confuse and then the news starts to sink in bit by bit... i came out the toilet and told my husband..he was overjoyed~~

i straight away called my mom and told her the news, my mom was ecstatic and i told my dad and he was happy too :) then i told both of my little sisters, being the drama queens that they are they were jumping and screaming with joy hehehhe it was really fun telling them. then i called my big sister and told her, she was in tears... wahh terharu.. and finally i called my brother nun jauh di sri iskandar. he actually thought i was trying to main-mainkan dia~! i actually have to convince him.. he even asked my mum to double check to make sure that i was not bluffing hohoho.. boleh xxxx~~!

anyway since then my life change overnight and i started to worry about can i eat this? can i eat that? can i do this? can i do that? i was actually in the middle of my exams and i decided to wait after my exams to go to the doctor. we went to the doctor about 4 days later and the doctor comfirmed my pegnancy and did a routine check up..

now 8 weeks along my tummy is getting a bit bigger hohoho and i am experiencing morning sickness..and i am super super sensitive with smells which sometime no, all the time makes me quesy.. fuhh..and im tired all the time..but i am happy

eventhough we didnt plan for this but both of us are happy beyond words. to have a life inside of me is such a miracle and wonderful feeling.. i am happy that this little blueberry( we call him/her blueberry because i found out last week he/she is the size of a blueberry and the name just stuck hehehhe) will grow healthy and happy...

pray for me guys.. :)